I’m reading this incredible book, Traveling Light, by one of my favorite authors, Max Lucado.  It’s a study of Psalm 23.  Today’s reading about anxiety had a line that was intended specifically for me:

God isn’t going to let you see the distant future.  So you might as well quit looking for it.  He promises a lamp unto our feet, not a crystal ball into the future.

I think Max was reading my mind.  Somehow he knew (or God told him) that a certain control freak named Sandy was going to need that one. 

I am a serious control freak.  I like knowing what’s going to happen and when.  I am a manager of deadlines and a weigher of outcomes.  I have contingency plans for my contingency plans and I think on my feet.  The problem with that, of course, is that I worry about EVERYTHING.  There are just too many possible outcomes for my poor mortal brain to manage.  But I try anyway, and I wonder… with a straight face… why I’m so exhausted all the time. 

Part of my problem is that I try to do God’s job by seeing the end from the beginning… and I’m really, really bad at it.  I have faith, but I’m not great at walking in it.  I like knowing where the path is going, what will be around that corner, and what will be needed in order to deal with it so I can already have it with me.  Unfortunately, life in the real world does NOT operate that way.

No matter how awesome I believe myself to be on any given day, I’m not going to know how it will turn out.  I will not be prepared for everything that happens, and I will find myself wanting… a lot.  And I hate it.  A LOT. 

Reliance on someone outside myself is not something that comes to me easily.  I’ve got trust issues big enough to drive a truck through and God’s really working on that lately.  I’m learning to walk in just the light I’m given today and to stop driving myself crazy with the big picture.  God’s got the big picture.  I just have to trust Him and be faithful with what I find today.

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